Tee Eff Ell En

(850): The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he’s passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.

(803): He did the “not my house dance.” Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing “not my house” over and over and dancing.

• I’m picturing this happening and it’s hilarious. Then, I try to remember back to college and if I did anything similar.

Kids these days…

(937): She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I’ve never been so disgusted and hard in my life.

(937): i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.

(703): No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off

(+44): I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That’s all I want in life.

(250): I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.